Panic attack at 4 am

Original art by Dan Dos Santos

It's 4 am and i wake up. 

The room around me is floating in shadowy waves.

Away goes the light, escaping under my eyelids

I catch my breath, while i 'm stabbing my dreams

burying them under the dark corners of this abysmal night,

but they, disobedient devils, start living again, like zombies

craving to eat away my heart... 

And I cannot move. 

I feel this armor so heavy now all over me

I wear it for so many years -

and I have paid for it again and again... 

You see, it costs me so much pain. 

I got used to it though,

always desperately trying to keep out

everything that hurts.

My heart was securely self exiled,

imprisoned behind these obscure high walls

I cried so happy, so proud of myself "Safe! Safe!"

I, the fool, I, the ancient idiot...

Because It hurts so much to let your naked soul to be devoured by wild beasts

hoping that they will spare you - 

but they never do.

Now, the irony is,

i thought that i had an armor so strong

i thought that the bleeding of old wounds would stop

and i was thinking i was protected

or I hoped that i was.

But all it took was one blow 

and this tin fortress was cracked from top to bottom

attacked by this unknown foe who demands to let down 

all my defenses.

My heart is under siege.

I fight back, tired and scarred and bleeding

But  this new enemy, 

unlike any other,  

so beautiful and fierce,

mighty and unstoppable, 

dressed with the sparkling mantle of Love

is standing outside my walls, before my gates,

patiently waiting for my promise of surrender.

He shows his bright weapons, his lips red with blood... 

And all i can do is stand tall and face him

Knowing

This is a war i cannot win...