Monday, November 21, 2011

Letter to the coward lover.

I think it's time to talk now. After all this time, after the pain and the tears and the frustration and the long wondering into the night, its time for me to talk, at last. I'm not  fooling myself that things will change into what they used to be between you and me. Decisions were made. By you. For you. You came to me, you earned my heart, you decided to go.  I was the weak part of the equasion. Too much for you to handle, maybe, too much for me. After losing my heart, after all the pieces fell down, i woke up this morning wanting to tell you all the things you didn't give me the last chance to express. I dont know if you will ever see this, and to tell you the truth, i dont care. Time will tell and time will justify. You left and you closed all doors behind you, burned down all the bridges, like you were told and demanded to do, too scared to see me in the eye, i guess, or too scared to face yourself knowing that you were taking the wrong path. Life has a funny way to take revenge on all of us, sooner or later. I realised that you didnt know me, after all, nor even your own true self. You were an ignorant in love. How was I to know? 

You wanted to punish yourself. All these years your life was one blank sheet of paper, that you wrote all day to it and the next day all your writings were gone, scattered. But you've chosen not to see it. You were closing your eyes all these years, repeating your mantra of fear: "I am scared and i need to be protected at any cost.". Any cost, indeed. And, being so right in your mind, you payed that cost, too many times, in too many hurtful ways. That cost, that price, was me. You fed me to the lions, without any regret. 

You must be one of those rare kind of animals, that go back to the same forest, to fall upon the same trap. The trap of the ordinary life. You thought you were ordinary. Normal life, normal home, normal family. You did all that as if you were someone else. Because, you see, he, wasn't you. Closing your eyes is what brought us  in this painful crossroad. The real you showed himself to me. With me you were the other one, the dark one, the real one. I was a fool that i haven't noticed how different you were becoming when you were home. I was a fool, that i forgave you every time you did things to hurt me. I was a food that i loved you so much, that i didnt payed attention to that second face. Another face, another mask. I was happy with the real you. You were unhappy with the fake one. Or, maybe, the real you is that poor scared man who runs back to the trap and the fake wooden happiness of an old empty doll house. I will never know. But i know from my heart, that i saw love in you. You held me in your arms, you were inside me, we saw eachother right in the eye. And i saw God in you, but for a reason not known to me, God laughed at our faces and decided to blind you that you should be punished a bit more. And oh!, what a punishment indeed! Castrated, on a leash and obedient, you were brought back in shame and bitterness. Too bad that all this time in your life, you couldn't cut off that long leash, that you prepared for yourself. Too bad you couldn't prove to you and to those who loved you years ago, that you are capable to love trully. All the lies, all the fabricated excuses, the cheating on you, the cheating on others. You see, you lied even to yourself. And lies can't always stay in the dark. Lying to your own self is even worst. You had the chance to be human. You were given a chance that most men in their lives are begging to have. And you killed everything, out of pure fear and cowardice. And that is the reason why i can't forgive you still. 

I tried to fight for you, because you see, foolishly enough, i believed you deserved it. Pain made me react too impulsively, too hard. I was crazy, wounded, like a hurt animal that shows its teeth when someone tries to take off a long thorn from its side. That is what you've become. A thorn in my side. A thorn that i carry inside me even today, and probably for the rest of my life. This was my war. In love and war, anything goes. You must have known that, you know what war means. You always said to me to keep the warrior spirit. And that is what i did. Because unlike you, am a fighter. Until the very end. Until i fall.  I have let you hurt me with the things you did, and with the things you didnt do. I have let you hurt me with your cold stoney silence. You probably convinced yourseld that I was your problem. That everything was my fault. But the real truth is that the problem of yourself is you. YOU. I dont want you ever to forget that. 

What hurts me the most is that you didnt had at least one ounce of courage to explain yourself. And by explain, i mean to tell me at least what REALLY happened. I was expecting from you that famous compassion, that you preach , teach and say out loud that you practice in your life. But it seems that you have compassion only for your poor self. And you crashed my heart under your thumb, so easily. So, i stopped asking for that. I stopped asking God why. I stopped asking ways to hate you. Terrified, i discovered that i only have ways to love you. 

And here is where i go angry with myself. Inspite of all that has happened, i can't hate you. I feel sorry for you, i miss you every second of my day, i would give my half life to have you back. It is painful, and frustrating, to know that I, at least, were true and loved you in a way that a man craves to be loved by a woman. Wholeheartedly.  Too bad you didn't see that. Too bad you didn't felt it. Too bad you dont have a heart. I wish things were different. At least now i think you know how this feels. I hope you can feel for just one moment how i cope with my life here, away from you, having to face so many problems, pain, disappointment. Oh, yes.... You probably are the bigest disappointment of my life so far. And the sadest realisation that i can't give less to a relationship. Unfortunately, I , have a heart, you know. And that makes the danger even more real. Love is a leap of faith, i've said that so many times, to others and to myself. Its a leap with no safety net underneath it. No guaranty you will be caught in the right time by the right person. I wasnt scared. I accepted you as you were, no matter your place, your age, your nationality, your faith. But unfortunately, you were not there to catch me the right time. 

I know that you will go on with your life as if nothing happened. You will be at the same places, with the same people, laughing the same way, pretending you are as you were before. You can fool anyone, in any given circumstance. But you can't fool your conscience, if you have one still. You can't fool me. It will always show in your empty eyes and your heavy walking, and in the way you stand. Everything on you will shout out that you are a coward, who used love as a huge lie and a terrible excuse to hide your imperfections. But even in that one, you failed miserably...

So now, i must pick up the pieces. I hate that phrase, its so cliché, so ordinary. But i have to do it nontheless. God only knows what i was for you, and what you were for me. What you still are for me. I wish life will be to you as kind as you are to others and to yourself. Am finishing this letter with no bitterness in my heart. Only a strong feeling of sadness. I will smile again, and probably i will love again. Or at least i will accept someone beside me, someone who will have maybe all kinds of good things and feelings for me, but he will have one serious defect : He will not be you... 

Take care, remember everything, live a real life at last

1 comment:

  1. Very honest and very painful. I do hope somehow this will bring a small closure. Hugs.