Monday, November 28, 2011

A poet, my dear...

Volcano Poet, by Dale Witherow (c)


a poet, my dear, 
is not only words nor verses beautifully arranged...
 - i think you have already known -  
nor birds and moons and flowers to behold
a poet is a story never told
a silence in the wind before it changed.


a poet is an eye that never sleeps
one broken antenna searching for the stars
an endless circle of slowly bleeding  lips 
of wounds and broken dreams and deepened scars

a poet is a heart on fire,a heart in rain,
one white feather of a swan swimming in sorrow
Do not waste time, my dear, 
all goes in vain
For you, being a heartless stone,
 - i think you have already known -  
there's no tomorrow... 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The man you never were.



You will try to be 
the kind of man you never were.
You will leave early every morning 
kissing her goodbye smiling
Once you will turn your back, 
your eyes will close 
you will start breathing real air
your lungs will fill up with the relief of distance
like you did so many times before.

In the evenings you will seat on the couch
answering the small talk and painless chat about harmless topics
the weather tomorrow, 
an earthquake somewhere far away, maybe,
your absent part echoing whatever she says, you don't care
You will talk as if nothing happens
playing your role so perfectly 
you can deceive anyone now.

The weekends will be harder,
all day at home is too difficult to handle
You will be tired and lonesome
all the muscles in your body will beg you to stop
Breakfast, lunch, dinner
always at the same time
at the same table
Saturdays, long walks out, anywhere
hardly ever alone 
because she doesnt trust you anymore,
even when you are alone
Sundays, the same monotonus rhythm
just before going to bed
you will catch yourself wandering
"what would have happened if..." 
And then
you will gain again your so called "determination"

and you will have to smile
to show you have changed 
into the man you never were... 

Main Yahaan Hoon - Veer Zaara OST.




Monday, November 21, 2011

Letter to the coward lover.

I think it's time to talk now. After all this time, after the pain and the tears and the frustration and the long wondering into the night, its time for me to talk, at last. I'm not  fooling myself that things will change into what they used to be between you and me. Decisions were made. By you. For you. You came to me, you earned my heart, you decided to go.  I was the weak part of the equasion. Too much for you to handle, maybe, too much for me. After losing my heart, after all the pieces fell down, i woke up this morning wanting to tell you all the things you didn't give me the last chance to express. I dont know if you will ever see this, and to tell you the truth, i dont care. Time will tell and time will justify. You left and you closed all doors behind you, burned down all the bridges, like you were told and demanded to do, too scared to see me in the eye, i guess, or too scared to face yourself knowing that you were taking the wrong path. Life has a funny way to take revenge on all of us, sooner or later. I realised that you didnt know me, after all, nor even your own true self. You were an ignorant in love. How was I to know? 

You wanted to punish yourself. All these years your life was one blank sheet of paper, that you wrote all day to it and the next day all your writings were gone, scattered. But you've chosen not to see it. You were closing your eyes all these years, repeating your mantra of fear: "I am scared and i need to be protected at any cost.". Any cost, indeed. And, being so right in your mind, you payed that cost, too many times, in too many hurtful ways. That cost, that price, was me. You fed me to the lions, without any regret. 

You must be one of those rare kind of animals, that go back to the same forest, to fall upon the same trap. The trap of the ordinary life. You thought you were ordinary. Normal life, normal home, normal family. You did all that as if you were someone else. Because, you see, he, wasn't you. Closing your eyes is what brought us  in this painful crossroad. The real you showed himself to me. With me you were the other one, the dark one, the real one. I was a fool that i haven't noticed how different you were becoming when you were home. I was a fool, that i forgave you every time you did things to hurt me. I was a food that i loved you so much, that i didnt payed attention to that second face. Another face, another mask. I was happy with the real you. You were unhappy with the fake one. Or, maybe, the real you is that poor scared man who runs back to the trap and the fake wooden happiness of an old empty doll house. I will never know. But i know from my heart, that i saw love in you. You held me in your arms, you were inside me, we saw eachother right in the eye. And i saw God in you, but for a reason not known to me, God laughed at our faces and decided to blind you that you should be punished a bit more. And oh!, what a punishment indeed! Castrated, on a leash and obedient, you were brought back in shame and bitterness. Too bad that all this time in your life, you couldn't cut off that long leash, that you prepared for yourself. Too bad you couldn't prove to you and to those who loved you years ago, that you are capable to love trully. All the lies, all the fabricated excuses, the cheating on you, the cheating on others. You see, you lied even to yourself. And lies can't always stay in the dark. Lying to your own self is even worst. You had the chance to be human. You were given a chance that most men in their lives are begging to have. And you killed everything, out of pure fear and cowardice. And that is the reason why i can't forgive you still. 

I tried to fight for you, because you see, foolishly enough, i believed you deserved it. Pain made me react too impulsively, too hard. I was crazy, wounded, like a hurt animal that shows its teeth when someone tries to take off a long thorn from its side. That is what you've become. A thorn in my side. A thorn that i carry inside me even today, and probably for the rest of my life. This was my war. In love and war, anything goes. You must have known that, you know what war means. You always said to me to keep the warrior spirit. And that is what i did. Because unlike you, am a fighter. Until the very end. Until i fall.  I have let you hurt me with the things you did, and with the things you didnt do. I have let you hurt me with your cold stoney silence. You probably convinced yourseld that I was your problem. That everything was my fault. But the real truth is that the problem of yourself is you. YOU. I dont want you ever to forget that. 

What hurts me the most is that you didnt had at least one ounce of courage to explain yourself. And by explain, i mean to tell me at least what REALLY happened. I was expecting from you that famous compassion, that you preach , teach and say out loud that you practice in your life. But it seems that you have compassion only for your poor self. And you crashed my heart under your thumb, so easily. So, i stopped asking for that. I stopped asking God why. I stopped asking ways to hate you. Terrified, i discovered that i only have ways to love you. 

And here is where i go angry with myself. Inspite of all that has happened, i can't hate you. I feel sorry for you, i miss you every second of my day, i would give my half life to have you back. It is painful, and frustrating, to know that I, at least, were true and loved you in a way that a man craves to be loved by a woman. Wholeheartedly.  Too bad you didn't see that. Too bad you didn't felt it. Too bad you dont have a heart. I wish things were different. At least now i think you know how this feels. I hope you can feel for just one moment how i cope with my life here, away from you, having to face so many problems, pain, disappointment. Oh, yes.... You probably are the bigest disappointment of my life so far. And the sadest realisation that i can't give less to a relationship. Unfortunately, I , have a heart, you know. And that makes the danger even more real. Love is a leap of faith, i've said that so many times, to others and to myself. Its a leap with no safety net underneath it. No guaranty you will be caught in the right time by the right person. I wasnt scared. I accepted you as you were, no matter your place, your age, your nationality, your faith. But unfortunately, you were not there to catch me the right time. 


I know that you will go on with your life as if nothing happened. You will be at the same places, with the same people, laughing the same way, pretending you are as you were before. You can fool anyone, in any given circumstance. But you can't fool your conscience, if you have one still. You can't fool me. It will always show in your empty eyes and your heavy walking, and in the way you stand. Everything on you will shout out that you are a coward, who used love as a huge lie and a terrible excuse to hide your imperfections. But even in that one, you failed miserably...

So now, i must pick up the pieces. I hate that phrase, its so cliché, so ordinary. But i have to do it nontheless. God only knows what i was for you, and what you were for me. What you still are for me. I wish life will be to you as kind as you are to others and to yourself. Am finishing this letter with no bitterness in my heart. Only a strong feeling of sadness. I will smile again, and probably i will love again. Or at least i will accept someone beside me, someone who will have maybe all kinds of good things and feelings for me, but he will have one serious defect : He will not be you... 


Take care, remember everything, live a real life at last
x. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

In my dreams



In my dreams
always your arms around me
your warm kiss
not a single day has passed
since you killed me with a smile... 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Solitude



in my solitude
i search for the right answer
to your riddle

Portrait of a faceless man


He stands in the middle of his world

enclosed in a cocoon of doubts 


Around him, thrown away in all directions
decisions that he didn't take
lovers that he didn't embrace
words that he couldn't even utter
when time was right


He is the solid contradiction of his kind


To be or not to be...


He knows in his bones how it hurts
to lose the love of a lifetime
how pitty it is
to let life live you
instead of living it yourself
A tragic figure
Someone forgot to tell him
that he hasn't breathed at all... 

When it rains























Reincarnation

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Things once held dear, by Quinn




Away


the path we didnt walk
still haunts my dreams 
an arrow of memories
finds the center of my heart
i float looking at the stars
as the night wind comes
to take me away... 

Autumn scene, by Yiruma




After





"After a while, you learn the difference between holding a hand, and falling in love. You'll learn kisses don't always mean something. Promises can be broken just as easily as they were made, and as hard as it is to believe, sometimes goodbyes are forever."


The broken heart, by John Donne



THE BROKEN HEART.
by John Donne

He is stark mad, whoever says,
That he hath been in love an hour,
Yet not that love so soon decays,
But that it can ten in less space devour ;
Who will believe me, if I swear
That I have had the plague a year?
Who would not laugh at me, if I should say
I saw a flash of powder burn a day?

Ah, what a trifle is a heart,
If once into love's hands it come !
All other griefs allow a part
To other griefs, and ask themselves but some ;
They come to us, but us love draws ;
He swallows us and never chaws ;
By him, as by chain'd shot, whole ranks do die ;
He is the tyrant pike, our hearts the fry.

If 'twere not so, what did become
Of my heart when I first saw thee?
I brought a heart into the room,
But from the room I carried none with me.
If it had gone to thee, I know
Mine would have taught thine heart to show
More pity unto me ; but Love, alas !
At one first blow did shiver it as glass.

Yet nothing can to nothing fall,
Nor any place be empty quite ;
Therefore I think my breast hath all
Those pieces still, though they be not unite ;
And now, as broken glasses show
A hundred lesser faces, so
My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,
But after one such love, can love no more.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Autumn Wreath.


Disappointed


Alone.

The One Tree, by Collin Jenkins at   http://www.picturesocial.com

Winter is coming

Winter is coming, by Bill Cannon at http://fineartamerica.com

a frozen moment
enclosed in my solitude
winter is coming
how long 'til the first snow falls
how long 'til the last tear drains...

Cruel Intentions





"You spend all your time preaching about waiting for love. Well here it is. Right in front of you, and you're going to turn your back on it. So I guess we're just f*ucked. I'll move on. But you are going to have to live the rest of your life knowing that you've turned your back on love. And that makes you a hypocrite. Have a nice life."

You are nothing, by Olive.